Do you struggle with money, are you swept up in a life of mediocrity? Do you suck at relationships? Or are you living a totally fulfilling life where everything goes your way? Whichever the case, it is all about who you are. When I say this, I mean who you believe you are, but who you believe you are at this moment really is who you are. If you don't like it, you can change it.

"Who am I" is the real question that shapes your life. For all the things you want, don't want, wherever you are or where you want to be, all other questions are found in this one. What you believe about yourself will ultimately shape how your life goes. If you look at the difference between the successful and the unsuccessful, the fulfilled and the unfulfilled, their differences lie in what they believe about themselves.

"How did I get to believe this?" Who knows. Maybe it's in the genes. Maybe you were raised that way. Maybe you had a number of experiences which led to some set beliefs. There may be signals in the womb which indicate your best place in the community when you're born. It doesn't really matter - only that you know it is very very deep and will require a big shovel to get it out and change it. Think "cancer and chemotherapy". Nothing short of these major operations will take care of something as ensconced as cancer, and nothing short of serious changes to your life and daily routine and thoughts will change what you believe about yourself.

For the last months I have been focused on my network. "It's not who you are, it's who you know". But if you are no good, or if you just believe this about yourself, then the good people will avoid you. There will be no network.

So how do you change these perceptions of yourself? By being superficial - by changing things on the outside. We often hear that you live your life from the inside out, and this is true, but you need to change your life from the outside in. You need to set up routines and exercises that act like a surgeon's knife to go in and cut out the cancer, and replace it with clean, vibrant cells. Once the inside starts to improve, the outside world will treat it better, and you start on the proverbial "upward spiral".

For me, writing improves my inside. I love writing, and writing loves me. It was an unexpected relationship but it works. It makes me feel good. The shit I feel about myself in other activities is cleaned away when I write. I write well (at least, I believe that) and it makes me feel like a capable, valuable person. That and exercise. They give me confidence and a feeling of self worth. From this place, being this best version of myself, I can continue the other things I want to accomplish in my life.

What are the quick wins for you? What activities can you do today that give your confidence a boost and project your best self? Is it taking a class to learn something new, playing an instrument, being in nature, giving? don't think too long about it, just do it. And be ready for action towards your goals once you start to feel better and feel like "who am I" is something awesome - that's the time to take action!

We had some family over for dinner the other night and got into some religious discussion. Some one said “there isn’t one truth” to which I replied, “there is, but we don’t know it yet”. That statement is also incomplete. The truth is, there is one truth, just one. The problem is, words and thoughts are not capable of explaining it. Like a little car that cannot tow a bed of trees up a hill. At some point words break down, and you need equations to explain things. Even worse, our memories are also insufficient. You would start to explain something but it would have some many interlinked ideas on the table that at some point your memory would not be able to hold them all and you would forget about the first one that is the basis for the whole chain of ideas. Just like a computer with too little RAM to run some Video editing software which is trying to edit a big video file. What was my point? Oh yeah, one truth. It’s there, baby, but too big for us to handle.

Aha, this is not "attraction" as in "The Secret". This is attraction as in "me Tarzan, you Jane". Finding that special someone and feeling that they were made for you and you for them. Is it physical? Is it emotional? It's both, but it's worth an in-depth look to find out why you're with that special someone.

I was sitting with some friends wondering why people are attracted to each other. In all honesty, we were looking at very unattractive couples and wondering if they were happy with their mate. Answer? Of course they are, or at least were. There are no couples if there is no attraction. Here is Quanology's take on physical and mental attraction.

Why does attraction exist?
Seemingly obvious question, but just to be safe... As nature wants us to proliferate our genes, on a biological level, we need a mate. This too may seem obvious, but biologically speaking, it is not a given that a species of animal have two sexes dependant on each other for reproduction. Attraction is the agent which brings a man and a woman together to conceive babies and possibly raise them together*. In short, we are attracted to a person whom we feel will help us proliferate our genes successfully through reproduction.**

Who are we attracted to and why?
There are the two schools of conventional wisdom which say conflicting things: "opposites attract" and "like attracts like". Evolutionary psychology would conclude that you are attracted to someone who is best likely to help you proliferate your genes well. What we see about these two seemingly conflicting explanations is that they involve GPP and GPS (human value and human personality, respectively). This creates a sort of matrix where there are levels of GPP and varieties of GPS - and both of these have both mental and physical components. Remember, GPP is the potential for genetic proliferation (how well someone can spread their genes) and GPS is the strategy which one goes about doing it (quantity vs quality and all that). Someone can have a high or low GPP mentally and a high or low GPP physically. And some people's GPS relies more on the physical strategies (ie, biological evolutionary strategies) and some rely more on mental strategies (ie, cultural evolutionary strategies). Example of biologically-weighted GPS strategy is the "hunk" or "babe" type. They project a healthy, robust physical body which would provide the same to their offspring. The mental approach to GPS would then be the "smarties" - those who are relying on intellect and other psychological resources for their reproductive fitness. Of course, it's a spectrum with extreme cases but mostly containing combinations of both.

Physical attraction
Proliferating your genes requires a degree of physical effort. This was more so back when we were still evolving physically and not the masters of our environment which we are today, but even with the conveniences of today a certain level of health is demanded of us. And we demand the same from a mate. Beauty correlates well with health - for a prehistoric animal who just learned to paint on cave walls. Physical attraction is simply your subconscious telling you that a potential mate is healthy, and thereby worthy of your attention and consideration. Notice it is subconscious - we do not consciously choose who we are attracted to. We can often scratch our heads and wonder "why do I like this person?". You may not know but your subconscious does.

What happens when couples are not physically attractive? It happens. Some people are not physically attractive, yet these people have mates. These couples are physically attracted to each other. Again, it is the mental attraction which trumps the physical one.

Mental attraction
Now, we call it mental attraction because it is the mind one is attracted to. One can also be attracted to a body, physical attraction, but in many cases physical attraction just rides the coat tails of mental attraction. That is, someone is not objectively physically attractive, but the mind of the lover is simply blind to any physical shortcomings, seeing the physical lovee as attractive. This is the work of the mind reading body language. Now body language is physical but it gives deep and meaningful insight into the mind. Reading someone's body language can tell us if that person is a match for us. Our subconscious is built to pick up the slightest clues to someone's personality type, which correlates of course with their GPS. If their GPS and our GPS are a match, then we are attracted to them. This is all done on a subconscious level.

What we can also pick up from body language is of course the person's interest in us. Very subtle gestures, looks, and movements can denote a person's interest in us, or in general their openness to further interaction. Guys love it when a girl gives them a little look or a bit of eye contact. And girls, subsequently love it when a guy....uh...I have no idea what girls like.

Complementary vs Similar Personalities

So what kind of person are we attracted to? People like ourselves or people who are different? Some couples seem to be very much alike and others seem to be opposites. Let's look at this seeming dichotomy.

"We have a lot in common"
Indeed you do, you have similar GPP and GPS. "Like attracts like" - both people have a similar potential level for proliferating their genes. This can mean many things actually as there are many different factors which play into a person's GPP. Socio-economic backgrounds, physical attractiveness, social skills, and intelligence are of course the big ones. Any combination of these factors, as long as the levels are similar, would consititute "like attracting like". But "having something in common" also means a similar personality, ie. strategy, or GPS.  Two rich people go great together, two smart people go great together, and two physically attractive people go great together. The levels must be similar. But in the end a similar level of GPP is required, and a similar GPS means that they will have a lot in common.

We often see a wealthy, unattractive man with a beautiful woman. He has his GPP in money, she has hers in beauty. But it's having similar levels where the attraction happens. If a man is extremely wealthy and the woman not that pretty, he will always have a subconsious feeling that he could be doing better***. Similarly, an extremely beautiful woman with a fairly wealthy man may have a wandering eye for other men with better looks.

What about opposites?
Again a similar GPP level is essential. Opposites do attract, but they must always have a fairly equal GPP level, or at least the perception of such. Eddie Murphy was attracted to that woman in Coming to America because she had great social skills (personality) and attractiveness (I never really thought so, but Eddie must have or he never would have cast her, right?). And she was attracted to him for his personality despite thinking he was dirt poor. They both perceived the other as having a similar GPP in terms of personality and looks (c'mon, Eddie's a good looking guy) but they were opposites in terms of socio-economic status. That's where GPS comes in. If life is a game, then one must apply strategy to doing well. We are all born with certain traits and circumstrances which more or less determine which strategy we will most likely favor. Missing out on some attributes can hurt but finding a mate to compensate for them is a great way to strengthen your position. And therein lies the attraction of an "opposite GPS". But note that the "opposite" is always the personality, because that's ultimately what GPS amounts to. There is no rich person attracted to a poor person - all other traits being equal and the same. And there is no good looking person attracted to an ugly person with the same personality and value. There are however, adventurous people attracted to more conservative types, extroverts can be attracted to introverts, and nice people attracted to assholes - and vice-versa for all three.

Attraction is feeling that a person is the best match for you and your GPS and GPP at the moment. Moments change and attraction changes with it. All of us should develop during the course of a lifetime and that means what we are attracted to today might change.

Want to be more attractive?

Quanology is nothing if not applied. So, what can we do with this information? Improve ourselves - by developing our GPP and clarifying our GPS. Developing GPP is done on both a cultural level and a physical level - get educated and get healthy. Study personal development and take care of yourself, your soul (nope, not saying one exists), your self-esteem, your looks, your mind. Approach your life as a game in which you need to be skilled to do well, and then start developing those skills. Even if there is not a short-term improvement in your conditions, there will be an immediate improvement in you. And that's damn sexy. And clarify what it is you're going to do with this self. What are your goals? What do you really want? No small questions, but starting to ask begins the process of honing your strategy. And when your strategy becomes clearer so will the choice for a mate.You can also expect your confidence to go up as you start to clarify things in your life.

Mates as a mirror

Sometimes we are disappointed with the people we are attracted to, but this is only a reflection on ourselves. We are disappointed with our own level of GPP and our current GPS. A mate is a great mirror into our own selves and it can be confronting but then, also a great time for reflection. If you are in a relationship with an "unworthy partner" or keep attracting "the wrong kinds of mates", realize that it either their value, their personality, or both you dislike. And then realize that it must be your value, your personality, or both which is attracting them. Why is the value too low for you? Where should it be? Why is the personality not right for you? Is there some unanswered part of your personality that is showing up in your mates?

There are enough famous scientists and psychologists who conclude that all of personality and human motivation is founded in mate selection. They may be on to something. In any case, your mates and attraction patterns will speak volumes about who you are and certainly how you feel about yourself. It's all subconscious, but I hope this pulls some of it out of the dark and into the light where you can play with it.

* Of course, men can be attracted to men and women attracted to women, but proliferation of genes biologically requires a man and a woman, so just dealing with that here.

**Remember cultural evolution is a way to proliferate your genes through altruistic and artistic endeavors. No babies - just family support, art, science, politics, etc.

*** This is of course controlling for other factors, such as personality. A likable personality certainly contributes to a high GPP.

You are stuck in a job that doesn't fulfill you, and you want to do something else. Maybe you're not sure what. Maybe you are sure but you don't see how you can do it. You have bills to pay and can't just quit your job. You're inexperienced and know you'll need the time to develop into the person you want to become, but you don't have any free time. God knows it will take lots of energy, but at the end of the work day, you are completely drained and can only think about relaxing on the couch. When the alarm goes off in the morning all you can think about is going back to bed.... How the hell did you get here? And more importantly, how do you get out?

Changing your life for the better will take a number of mental and emotional efforts.  Yes, you will need a higher emotional resilience than you ever knew possible and a level of confidence and drive that you may never have experienced, but we're not going to talk about that now. This article will focus on the practical, physical moves you will have to make to really start transforming your life. To get from where you are to where you want to be, you'll need to invest in time, money, and energy but the first one to commit to is scheduled, focused time. Where are you right now? If you're not where you want to be but are instead stuck in something else, you'll need to take a break from your current situation to concentrate on the one you really want. That means: take a day for yourself.

Just you
How often does that really happen? When was the last time you spent a day with just you and your dreams? For most of us, it was back when we were kids. Being an adult means being responsible, and it's quite likely that in your daily efforts to take care of your spouse, your kids, your dog, your cat, your parents, your car, your house, and all the other crap you own, you haven't put yourself at the top of the list for a long, long time. This must change. And before your old-fashioned belief system kicks in which tells you that such an act would be selfish, remember that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Airline hostesses preach this every day. So, drop the guilt - you're doing this for the betterment of everyone around you.

Cut it down to 4 days 
Working four days a week is a one of the best ways to get from your current job to a new venture - especially if you've got kids, as the weekends seemed to be gobbled up by all kinds of activities. Yes, the 20% pay cut will hurt, but it's an investment. You're not going to be sitting on your duff on that holy 5th day, you will be working - working on your new career, your new self and your new dreams. First allow me to convince you this is a good idea, then we'll go into using up your 5th day.

Do I have to?
The problem is that we all get caught up in our routines and time gets the best of us. Most of our daily activities and certainly our work are built with the subconscious goal of completely draining us. There is nothing left over for pursuing our dreams and long term goals. So, you'll need to prioritize. Yes, if your work stops, your short time life may die, but if your regularly scheduled pursuit of your dreams stops then your long term life dies. Taking that 5th day of work off for yourself allows you to do both and eventually move over from your current life to the new one you've got your sights on.

In my experience, the 5th day makes the other four all the more bearable. What's more, there will be lingering bits and loose ends from the 5th day which you can make progress on on the other 4 days with just a minimal amount of time and effort. Think: quick phone calls, email replies, planning. You'll be depending on other people to get your dreams and they won't always be available on the day you're off, so spreading your activities and communications over the course of the week will be inevitable, but if the meat is dealt with on the 5th day, you'll be able to be very effective with little efforts on the other days.

How do you move from 5 down to 4 days? This may be tough in the US, but in Europe, it should be a lot easier to go up to your boss and ask to work 4 instead of 5 days a week. This is, of course, a highly personal move and it will differ for each of us. It will hurt financially and may even be roadblocked by your boss. But if you want real progress, you'll need to invest time and pushing that time to the end of the day, or even the beginning, may be putting an unbearable load on your shoulders. Finding a way to make things work is what success is all about, this will be a good place to start practicing.

Got it! Now what? 

Assuming you've got it - one day all to yourself - what do you do now? Life is like a battle: you need to plan, train, and fight.

Plan - What do I want to do? What's my master plan? Why is that my master plan? The clearer the plan is, the better chance you'll have of attaining it. Where do you want to be in 20 years? And then start working your way back to the coming 6 months. Where do you need to be in 6 months, and how do you think you'll get there? If you don't have a master plan, you can skip ahead to the next step....

Train - Build up yourself like a secret army builds up its artillary and trains its soldiers. Take care of yourself. Workout to build up physical energy and confidence. Educate yourself, do confidence exercises and visualizations to build up your mental strength and attitude. As I mentioned, you can actually train without even knowing what exactly it is you're training for. Imagine an athlete who trains his/her condition, balance, speed, stamina, confidence, etc not yet knowing which sport he/she will be playing. When the day finally arrives when it's clear what sport it will be, he/she will still be in good shape to kick some ass. Working on yourself and educating yourself are great ways to clarify that thing that makes your heart light up and give your life meaning...so no excuse to not get started!

Fight - Take action every day. One of the best things to do is find models - people who are close to where you want to be and study them - their attitude, look on life, and how they got to where they are. Make the phone calls you need to expand your network. Start defining who your ideal network would include. Measure progress and attitude levels. I do this by keeping a simple journal. If things are working out, and evitably they won't be in the beginning, ask hard questions to push yourself forward. Be prepared for discomfort - it goes with the territory. There will not be a magic place of quite contentment. But remember to focus on positive achievements. Yes, there will be a lot of crap and headache, and write it down if you must, but shine a light on the progress, no matter how small, record highlights and plan for tomorrow.

At some point, the deal is that you're in a position to stop the other 4 and spend your time on the life you really want, doing the things that really give you energy and satisfaction. But that 5th day should remain holy - religions may be on to something with the whole idea of a sabbath. You need time to reflect, relax, and step out of your routine. And "routine" is one thing the 5th day should never become. Always, always make sure it's something you look forward to. If it stops becoming immensely enjoyable, start spending it thinking up ways to make it so.

Staying in your 5 day work week does allow you to make progress towards a better life, but the results may be too small to get any real momentum - like having a savings account with 3% interest which inflation is 2.5%. What's the point? Real progress comes from real changes and taking control of one day of the week is a bigger step than most are willing to make. Get ahead of the game and treat yourself like the worthy investment you are.

Aren't I clever. It may be a cheeky little title, but their is truth in this little pun. I don't claim to know much about the actual official system GTD (Getting Things Done) by David Allen, but do know a bit about accomplishing goals - especially from a psychological perspective.

We'll kick things off with the following statement: (pretty much) everything you do is the result of a subconscious decision based on an also subconscious analysis of pros and cons of doing/not doing the thing in question. In other words, you're doing something because you enjoy the results of doing it more than the lack of results of not doing it. This may sound painfully obvious, but goal setting and systems for going through a to-do list can often leave out this fundamental issue."Just make a list", they say but seem to ignore the psychological necessities of doing this. Whenever you see someone being very good at something, you can bet they're enjoying not only the achievement of the goal but the actual process of executing. Professional athletes love training. Anyone who doesn't will not make the cut. If you want to excel at something, it's a psychological must to enjoy the process. How could you compete with someone who loves to train and practice when you hate it?

In our lives, we may not be training for the Olympics, but we all have a list of things to do - a set of steps to get us to where we want to go. But we need to enjoy the ride. Otherwise those little tasks become psychological mountains. If you are able to change some key perceptions, then you can make the opposite happen - turning those ominous, scary, risky, difficult tasks into enjoyable adventures. It's not just about using the word "challenge" instead of "pain in the ass", but it is a slight dabble in mind manipulation.

You'll need to convince yourself of 3 key things:

1. the thing you need to do is super important and accomplishing it will add tremendous joy and happiness to your life
2. not doing it will ruin you
3. it'll be fun! So doesn't matter if it works out of not, it's all about doing your best.

Do these have to be true? The first one should be (otherwise, why are you doing it?). The second one may not be, but you can lie to yourself just a bit to get the desired result. You lie to your muscles when you work out saying "grow! or we'll be tiger food!". The reality of it all is secondary, but the perception is what it all rests on. Will it really be your downfall if you don't set up a meeting with that one person? I'm sure you'll figure a way to bounce back, but if you can rationalize how devastating it would be if you didn't, then it should feel so much more natural and effortless to do it. Thirdly, "it'll be fun"...

Truth is, everything is fun if you do it right. Just like every moment is a chance to be happy, if you do it right. The things you are and the things you feel only have meaning through your own perceptions. The universe doesn't really care. Is coding a website fun? Is writing a business plan fun? Is creating a 1000-man company fun? I think it depends more on you than on the actual task. Some people are more geared to certain tasks than others, no doubt. Don't ask my wife to code anything. And don't ask me to pick out a color scheme for the living room. But many many things could be either fun or annoying. Choose fun and see how much easier it gets.